Miscarriage, PCOS

Miscarriage . . . . My babies heavenly birthday!

1 in 4.

Every pregnant Mama knows that terrifying statistic , yet in the back of your head you. . . . . .

  1. Don’t think it could be that derailing to go through it, after all it is so common so it has to be a semi easy journey to walk through.
  2. You don’t really think it would happen to you.

. . . those were my thoughts anyways. My thoughts when we FINALLY got pregnant after endless months of trying, like legit trying. Ovulation pee sticks and all. We were ready for babies!

The euphoric high after finally getting that positive pregnancy test was unbelievable. A feeling of complete joy and gratitude. The incredible feeling when you get to tell your hubby he is going to be a Dad and doing it a fun creative way. I had my two pups help announce we were pregnant to my husband with our first sweet angel baby. A moment where your life changes and you immediately start planning your future. Your thoughts get flooded with when will the baby be born, where will you put the nursery, what will you name it, how will you announce it to friends and family? You become so excited for your future you start day dreaming about it every second.

Weeks later the cramping started. Mild cramps at first which when you search google for pregnancy symptoms as a first time Mama it is “nothing to worry about.” Then the spotting which can also be totally normal or a sign that something is wrong. Then the bleeding. The light switch that has been flipped making you realize you have no control over your body at this moment. As much as you gave the utmost respect for your body and took care of it, as much as you prayed for this baby months on end. . . . it is not in your control.

It all happened so fast. Cramping, spotting, bleeding, contractions that got closer and closer together and more severe with the minute. Contractions where in those moments the physical pain was equally as painful as the emotional pain knowing this would be my babies heavily birthday. I remember laying on the cold bathroom floor crying and it taking everything in me just to try and catch my breathe from the contractions to get back up and sit the toilet because you knew the next wave of tissue was coming. Sorry if this is TMI for most of you, but friends I’m real. I won’t sugar coat this journey because it sucks and if there is one thing I know is that other Mama’s walking this journey need to know they are not alone.

The physical pain I felt for those 12 hours were unbearable. Every miscarriage is so different (emotionally and physically) but after talking with another friend who was a labor and deliver RN and had a very similar miscarriage as me. . . we went into labor. Full on labor on our bathroom floors with no pain meds to help ease the contractions and worst of all no beautiful baby at the end to hold. Rather we stared into the toilet after we passed our precious babies trying to figure out a way to flush the toilet. How can you flush your baby down the toilet? The baby that was suppose to be in your arms a handful of months away? A baby you had named and planned it’s future. How can you flush that sweet soul down the toilet.

I can’t tell you how much that haunted me and still does at times. So much of me wanted to scoop our baby out of the toilet and bury it. I have only shared this feeling and guilt with very few people because most people, just like I was before my miscarriage, will never understand. Their only thought, just like I would have over a year ago is “that is f-ing messed up.”

Welcome to miscarriages. They are f-ing messed up!

Mama’s who have lost their babies, I know your journey and story will be so different than mine. I know mama’s who felt relief after their miscarriage because they weren’t planning, wanting, or trying for a baby. I know Mama’s whose bodies didn’t go into labor and they passed them so painless (in a physical matter). I know Mama’s who did have any emotional pain with their loss b/c of how they viewed their babies at that point in their pregnancy. I also know a lot of mama’s like me who are trying so hard fighting to have a family of their own that when they get a small taste of it and then having it ripped away it is life changing. . . . derailing. Regardless of your story know I love you sweet girl! You are an incredible Mama, and the pain you feel is a reflection of the love you have for your baby. Embrace it! It embodies the deep love you have for your angel babe.

Today is our babies heavily birthday! A year she has spent in Jesus’s arms and being loved on by so many of my amazing family members in heaven. It is her birthday. . . her heavenly birthday! Today I celebrate you sweet girl! I can not wait to hold you some day and I’m so grateful for those months I got the privilege to carry you on the inside and can not wait for eternity of getting to carry you on the outside.

Friends, I am always a message a way if you are walking this journey to. It can be such a lonely, isolating, and confusing journey but please know you are not alone in the mess of your loss.

XOXO,

Heids

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